Patrick Rothfuss, and The Wise Mans Fear.

I did have something else to write about today, but events have taken a turn for the, well, superamazingsplendiferous, and it seems only right I give them the full attention they deserve. As you’re all probably aware of, the legend that is Pat Rothfuss has announced that he will be giving us a chance to win the most amazing prize in the world. Yeah, that’s right. More amazing than winning the real lottery, more stunning than winning a night out with your favourite musician, more appealing than a five course meal at Ronald MacDonald’s house. What I’m referring to of course, is the unbelievable chance to actually have a character in The Wise Mans Fear, with a name you have created! I think I might have just sharted.

Now the reason for the majestic bearded one, doing such a fandabulicious thing, is to apologise for the delay of his book. A delay that a lot of people were disappointed with. If I’m honest, you can’t read The Name Of The Wind and not be gagging to know what happens next in Kvothe’s life. It’s only natural. But, I understand that writing a book as good as TNOTW, takes ages. So, trying to write a book that lives up to the first book, must be harder than trying to scratch your arse with your teeth. My own personal feelings about the book not coming out in April, as Amazon promised, (Who would have thought Amazon would lie to people to get their money off them? Go figure. They’ll be selling pepper spray next….oh, wait…they already do…the Bastards!) is one of Beautiful calm, and reasonable understanding.

I, like many of you, want the best possible book we can read. And if it takes another ten years in the writing, well hell, I’m willing to wait those ten years. There are plenty more books to keep me busy. That’s not to say I won’t be checking out any and every rumour about the release date, I’m only human after all. Well, part human part hamburger, part peanut M&M’s, but still human none the less. So, be like Marky people. Hawd on to your exasperations, batten down your excitable nature, and look forward to the possibility of having someone you named, in what could be, one of the best books of our generation. Damn, I sharted again!

Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse (Spoilers included)

I've been a fan of Vampire novels all my life. Growing up, all I would read was horror novels, James Herbert, Edgar Alan Poe, you know the sort of thing. My favourite books have been Brian Lumley’s Necro series, nobody does Vampires like Lumley, nobody. So, it was with much excitement I started reading Stephenie Meyer's. Not knowing much about the books before hand, I was looking forward to getting my teeth into them (no pun intended). How shockingly disappointed I was. Don't get me wrong, they are really well written books. I didn't mind her writing style at all, she keeps the story moving along nicely, and I don't have a problem with the fact her Vampires are mostly toothless. It's like a house full of Louis de Pointe du Lac's. What I do have a problem with, is the monumental amount of swooning over Edward Cullen. Pages upon pages of looking longingly into his eyes, heads getting pressed against his chests, his sweet smelling breath, his strong arms, his perfect face........Damn, he's even giving me wood!

BUT IT'S A ROMANCE!! I hear you screaming. Yes, I understand that, and even if I you forget about the slush, and constant bringing up of great love stories like Romeo and Juliet, it doesn't really bring anything else to the table. Let's do a quick synopsis of Twilight, New moon and Eclipse shall we.

Twilight: Bella, moves to a new town. Bella meets and falls in love with a young guy called Edward. Bella is told that her new boyfriend is a Vampire, and has killed many folk. Bella, is in danger, Edward saves her. She doesn't get changed into a Vampire.

New moon: Bella is in danger AGAIN. Edward leaves her for her own sake. Bella, starts hanging with Jacob (an Indian Werewolf), and does dangerous stuff. Bella, nearly drowns, Edward, is so cut up he decides to top himself by noising up other Vampires (he thinks she's dead). Bella goes to him to tell him she's not dead. Nobody changes her into a Vampire.

Eclipse: Bella, now looks like she will FINALLY become a Vampire. Bella becomes entangled in a love triangle. Bella is yet again in danger. Edward saves her again. Nobody turns her into a Vampire.

And as I said before, all through the books you get classic romance characters shoved down your throat. A sneaky author trick to put these two love birds into the star crossed lovers top ten, me thinks.

I love to be surprised when I'm reading a book. These books have no surprises in them at all. Hell, they even start with telling you about the ending. So, you know the danger is coming; you just have to get the through four hundred plus pages of romantic nonsense first. And, when you finally get through it all, the action is short and very disappointing. Well, disappointing from a blood thirsty, horror loving, hairy, East End of Glasgow blokes point of view. If you're a teenage girl, it might scare the thong off you, but I can think of soooo many different; more enjoyable ways to get the thong off you. And, unlike Eddie Cullen, I can go all the way! It would be the best twenty seconds of your life.

Well, that's all from Marky the book basher, I'm off to find a shop that sells nothing but Mills and Boon books, at set it alight.

Oh, and check out the trailer for the movie. If only there was this much action in the book!

Being A Wean

When I was born, I was given up for adoption. The most I know about my birth parents, is their age. My mother was 14 and my father was 19. I never knew I was adopted until my sixth birthday, my adopted parents thought it would be best to tell me as soon as I could understand, a smart move I think. I can only imagine how I would have handled the news as a teenager. Probably, with lots of anger. Being adopted is one of those conversation nightmares for me. People either say to you “At least you were chosen. It makes you special.” Or, “Have you ever thought about finding your birth parents?” These, are the annoying opening gambits that I would like to touch on. Well, not altogether annoying, more monotonous. And not really touch on, more warn you about. .

Let’s start shall we. First up, “At least you were chosen. It makes you special.” Not really, you condescending swine. Yes, somebody chose to take me in, and I’ll be eternally grateful for that, but for every parent that gets a child, there is a deserving couple still waiting. My adopted parents were looking for a healthy baby, and they got me. They had their name down on the register for a while, and I was the first healthy, baby boy that came along. Then in a matter of days, I went from baby William, (John Doe, for orphan babies in Scotland) to baby Mark. I was special in the sense that I got to be adopted into a family that could feed and cloth me, special in the way I wasn’t born in a third world country, but that’s where the special runs out. I’ll delve more into my colourful childhood in later posts, so for the moment, lets just say I can’t watch Annie without wanting to slap the freckles of that smug little cow.

So, that brings me to “Have you ever thought about finding your birth parents?” Well, yes and no. Yes, because it would be nice to see if they looked like me, or had any of my eccentricities, or felt guilty enough to buy me a house. And no, because of the fear of rejection, or finding out they’re worse than the parents I already had. After all, they didn’t get off to the best of starts dumping my gorgeous bum. It is something that I need to deal with eventually, but there are so many mines to dodge whenever I get to thinking about them, that I tend not to dwell on it. Deep down I know I will try to trace them some day. As Logen Ninefingers would say, ‘Once you’ve got a task to do, it’s better to do it than live with the fear of it.’ Good advice.

Well, in a round about way, that’s the warning. Whenever you talk to an adopted kid, try to keep away from the ‘special’ quote, and don’t ask them about their birth parents. You might be opening a wound that will make you both feel difficult. Instead, try something a wee bit more original when somebody tells you they’re adopted. Something like
‘Why did you tell me that? Are you after my parents now?’
Or
‘So! Giraffes, in Norway, brought me up!’

Go on try it. It’s fun. The best one gets five stars.