I've been a fan of Vampire novels all my life. Growing up, all I would read was horror novels, James Herbert, Edgar Alan Poe, you know the sort of thing. My favourite books have been Brian Lumley’s Necro series, nobody does Vampires like Lumley, nobody. So, it was with much excitement I started reading Stephenie Meyer's. Not knowing much about the books before hand, I was looking forward to getting my teeth into them (no pun intended). How shockingly disappointed I was. Don't get me wrong, they are really well written books. I didn't mind her writing style at all, she keeps the story moving along nicely, and I don't have a problem with the fact her Vampires are mostly toothless. It's like a house full of Louis de Pointe du Lac's. What I do have a problem with, is the monumental amount of swooning over Edward Cullen. Pages upon pages of looking longingly into his eyes, heads getting pressed against his chests, his sweet smelling breath, his strong arms, his perfect face........Damn, he's even giving me wood!
BUT IT'S A ROMANCE!! I hear you screaming. Yes, I understand that, and even if I you forget about the slush, and constant bringing up of great love stories like Romeo and Juliet, it doesn't really bring anything else to the table. Let's do a quick synopsis of Twilight, New moon and Eclipse shall we.
Twilight: Bella, moves to a new town. Bella meets and falls in love with a young guy called Edward. Bella is told that her new boyfriend is a Vampire, and has killed many folk. Bella, is in danger, Edward saves her. She doesn't get changed into a Vampire.
New moon: Bella is in danger AGAIN. Edward leaves her for her own sake. Bella, starts hanging with Jacob (an Indian Werewolf), and does dangerous stuff. Bella, nearly drowns, Edward, is so cut up he decides to top himself by noising up other Vampires (he thinks she's dead). Bella goes to him to tell him she's not dead. Nobody changes her into a Vampire.
Eclipse: Bella, now looks like she will FINALLY become a Vampire. Bella becomes entangled in a love triangle. Bella is yet again in danger. Edward saves her again. Nobody turns her into a Vampire.
And as I said before, all through the books you get classic romance characters shoved down your throat. A sneaky author trick to put these two love birds into the star crossed lovers top ten, me thinks.
I love to be surprised when I'm reading a book. These books have no surprises in them at all. Hell, they even start with telling you about the ending. So, you know the danger is coming; you just have to get the through four hundred plus pages of romantic nonsense first. And, when you finally get through it all, the action is short and very disappointing. Well, disappointing from a blood thirsty, horror loving, hairy, East End of Glasgow blokes point of view. If you're a teenage girl, it might scare the thong off you, but I can think of soooo many different; more enjoyable ways to get the thong off you. And, unlike Eddie Cullen, I can go all the way! It would be the best twenty seconds of your life.
Well, that's all from Marky the book basher, I'm off to find a shop that sells nothing but Mills and Boon books, at set it alight.
Oh, and check out the trailer for the movie. If only there was this much action in the book!
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About Me
- marky
- I live in a Pigeon loft in Glasgow. I fight dogs for food and mug cows for drink. Monkeys live in my beard. I have lived for centuries under my bed and only came out when they invented peanut m&m's. I understand everything.
Tunes
11 comments:
I think all book reviews should have a thong reference. Well played! I'm getting ready to join the club- at least if I read it now, I can claim that I got caught up in the whole Twilight movement. I hope it doesn't scare the thong off me...
Ha! I don't need the vision of you in a thong, thank you very much! If you do read Twilight, keep a sick bag handy. That's the only movement I get involved in while reading those books.
Good gracious me. Now I definitely won't be reading the other books in the series. Twilight had the extreme infatuation with Edward Cullen, but if all of them are that way, then I don't think I shall.
I'm taking it, Marky, that you decided not to read the final volume of the series, Breaking Dawn?
And I'll definitely keep my wife from reading these reviews, else you wish to have her finding your home and torturing you for hours upon hours until you break, claiming "Yes! I love Twilight and I love Edward Cullen!"
Yup, no chance of me reading that. I know it has a lot of fans, I just can't see why. I could skip ten pages and still know what's going on. And the action in it is hardly edge of seat stuff. Just not my thing I'm afraid. Please don't tell your Mrs! I might be all Bravehearty, but angry woman really scare me!
Vampire novels, is it?
I'm reading a three-pronged series at the moment, Marky, with some prety badass vampires as the villains.
You may have heard of it, maybe not, but I do recommend it.
13 Bullets,
99 Coffins and
Vampire Zero.
Now, with a title like 99 Coffins, you know that's some good shit right there. The author is a bloke called David Wellington.
I recently bought this bundle and love the damn things. Cool books, vicious books, full of evil vampiric nonsense.
Brief overview of the first one... Vampires are real, U.S. Law Enforcement know this, but there hasn't been one reported in over twenty years since one of the main protagonists, a U.S. Marshall named Arkeley, killed it. Enter the rookie state trooper, Laura Caxton, who is the primary protagonist in the story. She's young, inexperienced, has a hard time believing in vampires, a lesbian, and doesn't think she's up to the job.
Did I mention she's a lesbian?
Also, the vampires are immortal and pretty much indestructible.
Eh... it's four in the morning, I'm going to bed. Later, folks.
Perhaps with a major rewrite, such as recasting Edward Cullen as a lesbian vampire and giving the beautiful protagonist a few bi-curious tendencies, we may be able to salvage this epic disaster of a novel.
I'm gonna head out to the local goth nightclub and do some research...
Cheers Joe! That sounds right up my street. Forthwith, I shall add them to mine list.
Matt, I hope your ok after your Goth research. Depression is a Goth's weapon!
In other news, I had a lovely Valentines Day with ma girl. I got her a lovely bouquet of flowers, an expensive box of chocolates, and a card big enough to use as a back board for squash. She gave me Breaking Dawn.............!
Isn't that akin to a guy giving a girl a bowling ball with HIS initials engraved on it? Or did you tell her you enjoyed the books for the sake of your own safety?
I live about 3 hours away from Forks, Washington where the Twilight books take place and I have been there.
It is a very small dwindling logging town. Very hard working and friendly people. I don't think there is a big enough population to have a nest of vampires living there without folk kicking them out, these lumberjacks wouldn't put up with supernatural types hanging about.
SO, I checked out the movie trailer and if some Cedric Diggory looking guy stopped a van from crushing me with his bare hands I think I would react a little, even before the van nearly scrunched me. Next, I would talk to him for awhile too!
I don't think I would merely exchange enigmatic stares.
Bella comes off as none too bright. Thanks for the review/warning!
Ahh, welcome Sedulo. Thanks for stopping by. Three hours from Forks still puts you in the love fallout radius! Run woman, run!
I wonder if forks will pass a resolution like Ohio did for Napoleon Dynamite, thanking Stephenie Meyer's for putting them on the map? I doubt it. They're probably being plagued by every teenage Goth in the world with a passport and a driving licence.
And yeah, Bella isn't the sharpest tool in the box. But strangely, she's made out to be an A student. Go figure!
You should read it though; something tells me you would hate it as much as me. And I need people to understand my pain!
WHAT!?
Okay, if you were over 100 years old...why would you choose to be in High School? Blargh! This is ridiculous!!!
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