An Ode To Almost

I’d like to dedicate a post to almost. A post to the word, that haunts us all from time to time. It’s all the things we meant to do, it’s all the things we’re glad we didn’t do. Let’s put almost into Google and see what we come up with:

Almost is a term in mathematics (especially in set theory) used to mean all the elements except for finitely many.

Eh? Erm thanks, Wikipedia.

Let’s try again

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English ealmoest, from eall + moest
Date: before 12th century

That’s better! Ye old Middle English. You can’t beat it. In fact, can you imagine how the word came about back then? Two guys having a duel, maybe? One says to the other ‘Ye gads man, ye ealmoest had my eye out with that!’ or maybe it was a pig farmers wife, chastising him? ‘When it rainith last night, ye ealmoest got a wash, smellyith!’

However the word came about, it has been used many times to express the near misses that we lament, or the lucky escapes from which we’re thankful for. So, today as a mark of respect to ‘ealmoest’, I’m doing a list. That’s right, a list. Who doesn’t like lists? I think they’re a bit like ice-cream. There’s always room for a good list, and there’s always room for ice-cream……especially Ben & Jerry’s.
So here’s my list of ealmoests:

1. I almost got married a couple of times.
2. I almost died a couple of times.
3. I can almost play the guitar.
4. I can almost play the harmonica.
5. I almost met Springsteen.
6. I almost know everything there is to know about metal cladding screws.
7. I almost hung myself when I found out I know too much about metal cladding screws.
8. I almost became a professional boxer.
9. I almost never went out on the night I met my Shoney.
10. I almost kept hanging out with rich shallow people, because I liked the lifestyle.
11. I almost burned down my flat.
12. I almost never started a blog.
13. I almost…..Ah, sod it. Let’s stop with the list making. Lists truly suck. I mean, I could go on like this all day, and it’s starting to smell like regret. And regret is for those that deserve it. Yeah, I retract my previous statement about lists. Lists are the devils work, and not at all like ice-cream. Meh!

Anyway, to almost, my word of the day. Six letters that carry a lifetime of missed opportunity and lucky escapes.

And please, feel free to grab your hairbrush, jump in front of a mirror and mime to the tune that inspired this post. As you-tube have cancelled all the proper music videos, I give to you the music styling’s of a stick man who 'almost had you'.

Earth Day

Well, it would appear that Earth day is upon us once more, and I’d like to take this opportunity to give a big shout out to the daddy of all fish, the original bloodsucker and the oldest living fish, the lamprey. (I watched a TV programme about them last night!)

The lamprey was a gastronomic treat for the upper classes in the middle ages, and some countries still eat them. Countries like Sweden and South Korea. I’ve never tried them myself, but I have used them for bait, when I go fishing. Mostly I use them for fishing pike. And it’s not just any old pike I fish for; I fish for the monsters only found in the deepest lochs in Scotland. Places like Loch Awe, and Loch Ness. The biggest pike in Scotland was caught in Loch Lomond, and it weighed in at a hefty 47lbs 11oz. I’ve fished Loch Lomond a lot, but I’ve only ever caught eels and jack pike. But one day…..

Let’s not get sidetracked by tales of monster pike, I want to wax lyrical about the oldest living fish. And when I say this fish is old, I’m not talking dinosaur old, oh no. I’m talking even older! In fact, it’s estimated that the lamprey, first reared its not so attractive head, about half a billion years ago. That’s freaking old! Being the Methuselah of fish might make us their descendant, who knows. What I do know is the lamprey has survived four global extinctions, and that makes it one hard fish.

Also on the programme, was a Vampire fish! They found it in March this year. It’s called, Danionella Dracula. Here it is.


Freaky, eh? We’re actually, still finding new species in 2009. Amazing!

I mention all this on Earth day because above all else, I would love to see our oceans protected. In Scotland, our government are paying for the decommissioning of fishing boats. A good step, but we need to stop pollution in all its forms. We need to address what we take from the oceans and earth, and how much we really need it. Even gardeners are at fault when it comes to pollution. You would think the greenest of all humans respect the earth above all else, but a huge amount are still using peat-based compost. We need our peat bogs! Stop it, you tweed-wearing nutters!

Do you know those little plants in a pot you can buy in places like IKEA? Well they use suppliers that go through a hell of a lot of peat. See, you thought buying these plants was a nice green thing to do. It’s not! If you want plants in your house, use a small business that grows their plants using a peat free alternative.

When I go fishing, I usually camp out. I enjoy getting back to nature, and feel more at home in a tent than my bed at home. There is something strengthening about a good week out in the open. It’s soulful, meditative and character building….and smelly….very, very smelly.

Recently, when I’ve gone fishing, I’ve turned up at one of my spots to find that the previous campers had left the place in a mess. I have to spend an hour tidying up cans, empty bags, dead fish, food wrappers, and other people-crap. I find it crazy that some people can enjoy nature and treat it with such contempt at the same time. It’s like giving someone a cuddle, and then kicking them in the balls! Truly insane behaviour. Is it going to get to the point that we’ll have to pay an entry fee to go to the countryside or seaside? I really hope not. I really hope we spend more on finding new sources of fuel, and educate people on how to take care of this beautiful blue jewel we share.

Anywaaa, I think that is I for today folks. Have a good earth day. Don’t leave the telly on standby, try to understand I love my self-righteous rants, give a hearty arrr for the lamprey, and most importantly, hug a hippy.

Peace.
Marky

The Bhoys

Ok Bhoys, with feeling this time! When the music stops, sing damn you, sing!






A monk called brother Walfrid, established Celtic football club November 6th, 1887. The only reason we exist as a club, was down to this mans compassion towards the influx of Irish immigrants to Glasgow. It’s said that half of all Glaswegians are of Irish decent. If you count them along with the original settlers that came over from Ireland to Scotland in our earliest history, then it would probably be more like half of Scotland.

Brother Walfrid’s idea was to set up a football club to raise money for local people in the east end. A noble cause that brought about one of the finest football teams in the world, and helped many people of Scottish and Irish decent get through a difficult period of our history.

I call us one of the finest teams in the world, but nowadays because of other leagues being more attractive and able to pay more money for quality players, I fear I’ll never see another Celtic team the likes of the Lisbon Lions in my lifetime. The Lisbon Lions won everything there was to win in 1967. They were the first British and northern European team to win the European cup, and remain the only Scottish team ever to do so. All the players in the squad were local guys born within 30 miles of Celtic park.

It’s fair to point out that if you are a Roman catholic, and stay in Glasgow; nine out of ten times, you’re going to support Celtic. And, if you’re a protestant in Glasgow, you would support Rangers. There have been many deaths accredited to religious intolerance, and fan rivalry, and there is always fights to enjoy outside my window after an old firm game. I stay near pubs called the Loudon Tavern, and the Bristol. Both of these bars are pure blue, Rangers supporting pubs. If you walked in with a Celtic top on, you’d better be a good runner. On several occasions (luckily, before I’d moved in to the area), there have been full-blown riots on Duke Street.

Both clubs have distanced themselves from sectarianism. Both clubs have run campaigns to try to end such backward thinking. Both clubs sign players from every religious background. Unfortunately, there are still a section of both support, that hold tight to the bigotry.

This bigotry is in full flow during every old firm game. Some of the songs sung at these matches have been deemed racist. More so the songs sung by Rangers recently. Songs like Hello, Hello, which has lines in it about being ‘up to their neck in Fenian blood’, and even more recently, the Famine song. This was a song about all the Irish immigrants ‘going home’ now that the potato famine, which killed over a million people, was over. When the Irish government caught wind of the Famine song, they complained to the Scottish government, and it was made illegal to sing. There have been arrests and convictions since this law was past.

Celtic anthems are filled with songs about the struggle for independence using terrorism. These Rebel songs are very offensive to Rangers fans. Some see it as a slap in the face because they are British, and it was British people killed in the bombings. Some support the UDA as vehemently as some Celtic fans support the IRA.

While other supporters consider some of the songs sung by the Celtic support offensive, they aren’t illegal because they are folk songs. These songs are widely heard in pubs and clubs throughout the Republic of Ireland, and to deem them offensive to British people and ban them, would be like trying to stop America from celebrating Independence Day.

It’s a controversial topic, one that in my opinion has nothing to do with football. I support Celtic for the game of athletic beauty, the last minute goals, and the camaraderie during the low points. While I’m proud of our Irish roots, I am Scottish. I would love for Scotland to be independent, just like the ROI, but that’s a different topic. For now, just know that when Scotland play the Republic of Ireland, I’m there with my kilt on, and you would never, never catch me looking like some daft leprechaun!



Oh, shit!