Trick or Treat

Black Donald, Clootie, Boobrie, Brownie, Fachan, Fionn, Ghillie Dhu, Kelpie, Lothian, Monster of Loch Ness, Red Cap, Scotia, Selkie, Shellycoat and the Sidhe are all Monsters and legends of Scotland. They’re all available on the World Wide Web, if you’re inclined to wander. There are many more, each more bazaar and fantastic than the next. We use them to scare kids into brushing their teeth at night, or to go to sleep. “Stay in bed or Clootie will steel yer toes” would be the cry of many a frustrated parent, using fear as their last resort in the war for an hour of peace.

The Myths and Legends of Scotland have fed many a mouth. Droves of tourists with Nessie hats wobble down the banks of Loch Ness every year, photographing wave formations and the odd floating branch. Searching for a monster in the midst of nature’s splendour is horribly cruel to the vista, but the sweet sound of tinkling cash registers, holds us from making any such remarks.Yes, we unashamedly lap it up. Give us your coin and we’ll tell you a story. Some older than mountains, some younger than a newborn calf.

There is a tale, you will not hear in any pub or out of the way shop. A tale not shared on the internet. It is the tale of Venlak Vachlan, The first King of Scotland. Forgotten by time and lost in its remembering It is a tale I myself never stumbled across in all my years of feverous myth hunting. A tale of kingdoms lost and found where men walk in nightmares and struggle against Gods. Be warned though, I do not share this willingly or lightly, I Share this to warn those who would follow me.



Tae the auld path search,
If ye hiv the heed.
Hawd yer eyes tae Clootie,
Cross yer hert twa times.
Fur if it's Hallowe’en,
on a moonlicht nicht.
Ye ken’d yer boon,
When ye first looked doon.
V.V


1.


Three years ago, an old school friend, Simon, pressed me into a fishing trip. He had recently endured a bitter separation, and felt a weekend in the wilds of Inverness would calm his head. The War of the Roses re-enactment that would ensue was inevitable. Two previous marriages had taught him that much. ‘Maybe the next one will teach him monogamy’ was my only thought as he shared his misery on our six-hour journey.

We parked the Range Rover in a remote spot that Simon had spied from the crest of a hill. A gap in the tree line had revealed a dirt track leading down to a Loch. A Loch that was on neither of the maps we owned.
Excited at the prospect of fishing an unknown Loch, Simon’s mood had lifted. The conversation had changed from his morose marriage mishaps, to the catching of huge untouched fish.

As we ventured to take advantage of the failing light, hurriedly setting up camp, I noticed the flat, moss covered patch we had chosen to pitch the tent, was solid rock. On further inspection of a small cleared space, we found it to be a rather beautiful floor, adorned with small faded symbols. Moss and the encroaching darkness hindered any further exploration, so we quickly tied our guy ropes to neighbourly trees, and pegged what we could into any willing ground we could find.

After a fire lit, canned chilli and beer consumed, we set about scanning the Loch. It was a fair size Loch. Its banks were crowded with trees save for the clearing we camped in. A bowl shaped Loch, lined with haunting Scots pines and the occasional Douglas fir. Gazing out across the Loch; scanning for turning fish, I noticed how calm the water was. The treetops rushed with the cold October wind, our tent flapped violently every now and then, but the Loch showed no disturbance.

We both sat in silence, half asleep by the warming fire. That was when we first heard it……

But wait…. All stories that are true in their telling need an end. A place to gather our thoughts of deeds past and present. A lone star, to head towards on our journey.
There are things I must know, and Halloween night is the only time when such knowledge avails itself. So I set fourth again to find Loch Vachlan. To capture a moment in the past, to save all our futures.

If I do not return, remember me. For if this tale is lost once more, our world will be a darker place.

Marky

To Be Continued……

Seasick Steve

So I'm off to see this boy at the Queens Hall in Edinburgh at the weekend. Much excitement is building within me. I found out about him from The Jules Holland show(this video). He has three strings on his guitar, and an amazing blues sound that will blow you away. But hey, I'll let Steve tell his own story.

Thought for the day.

A Grandfather from the Cherokee Nation was talking with his grandson.

"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves."

"One wolf is evil and ugly: He is anger, envy, war, greed, self-pity, sorrow, regret, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, selfishness and arrogance."

"The other wolf is beautiful and good: He is friendly, joyful, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, justice, fairness, empathy, generosity, true, compassion, gratitude, and deep vision."

"This same fight is going on inside you, and inside every other human as well."

The grandson paused in deep reflection because of what his grandfather had just said. Then he finally cried out; "Oyee! Grandfather, which wolf will win?"

The elder Cherokee replied, "The wolf that you feed."

Bill Bailey, Man or hairy beast!

Bill Bailey in concert is one of the funniest gigs I've ever been to. If you ever get the chance see one of his gigs, please go.
Here's a wee sneaky taste of the kind of stuff he does.

CARNAGE AS FACEBOOK MOVES EVERYTHING SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT

HOSPITALS were struggling to cope last night as rival Facebook gangs fought running battles across a dozen British towns and cities.

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Bridport: A hellish symphony of fire and bloodViolence erupted as Facebook ignored the warnings of more than one million protesters and moved everything very slightly to the left.

Martin Bishop, commander of the Lyme Regis brigade of Keep the Old Facebook, said: "I was waiting for my page to load, looking directly at the centre of the screen, when suddenly my life became a storm-tossed fishing boat in a sea of confusion.

"Everything that mattered to me was now three centimetres to the left of where it normally is. And a little bit wider. And the blue-grey panel on the right was a bit wider too."

He added: "Death and those who support the new design are now friends."

Roy Hobbs, from Dorchester, who makes weapons for We Like the New Facebook, said: "This is a motorcycle chain with dozens of tiny screws welded on to it. You have to wear gloves when you're swinging it in someone's face."

He added: "That blue-grey panel was always far too narrow. Don't you think?"

The violence peaked at around 5pm when the Bridport faction of What About Moving Everything Slightly to the Right? burned down the local church and pushed a van full of policeman into a quarry.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has given the protesters until noon to surrender before he starts machine gunning them from a helicopter.

News brought to you from the Daily Mash.


LOHAN URGED TO FIND SEXIER GIRLFRIEND


Lindsay Lohan needs to find herself a much hotter girlfriend - and quickly, men said last night.


Lohan's gayness was initially greeted with enthusiasm by men eager for masturbatory fantasies involving the Freaky Friday actress entwined with another stunning lesbian.

However, the early euphoria turned to anger when it was revealed Lohan's lover was Samantha Ronson, a disc jokey and Britain's leading David Miliband lookalike


Wayne Hayes, a masturbator, said: "It's a log cabin, lit only by firelight, Lohan is lying naked on a fur rug, she's fondling her own breasts, This is good. This is really good.

"The door opens, it's her girlfriend - bonus! She steps out of the shadows, she's naked too, but oh no! It's the foreign secretary, with a strap-on!"

He added: "Well, that's ruined it. I'm going to have to start all over again with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui and a vibrating egg."

Charlie Reeves, 14, from Didcot, said Lohan had a responsibility to young fans who had followed her breasts since Herbie: Fully Loaded.

He said: "When she jumped up and down I got a weird feeling in my underpants and my dad made a funny noise."

He added: "What's wrong with a naked splash fight with Charlize Theron? Or smearing Nutella over Scarlett Johansson's quivering buttocks and then having a shower together? Nutella only comes off if you use lots of soap, apparently."

Top five foreign secretaries you least want invading your sexual fantasies
(Last year's position in brackets)

1: Margaret Beckett (1)
2: Malcolm Rifkind (2)
3: David Miliband (-)
4: Lord Carrington (8)
5: Douglas Hurd (3)

Self-taser-tastic.

The below item was doing the rounds of the world's emails in early 2008. It appeared first in a college alumni newsletter in the US and describes an individual's detailed account of his experience of self-tasering.


Last weekend I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket-sized taser for sale as a means of self-defence. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effects on your potential assailant.
Long story short, I purchased the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing - I was disappointed. I quickly learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
So, I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that dangerous with only two AAA batteries in it. There I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, instructions in one hand, and taser in the other, thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a real target.
The directions said that a 1-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries. And all the while I'm looking at this little device loaded with two tiny AAA batteries and thinking to myself: 'No possible way'.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there with my cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to try just for the heck of it. I gingerly touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and....
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in my chair, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. It hurt like hell.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, because time was relative at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed a ton. I'm still looking for my testicles. Do not try this at home....

Damn Garlic!

So I am reading Do Polar Bears get lonely? It's full of interesting science questions and answers. I thought I'd share one of them.

Q. Why does Garlic make your breath smell in a way that, say, lettuce and potatoes do not?

A. Garlic produces a potent antifungal and antibacterial compound called allicin when the clove is cut or crushed. This is created by the enzyme alliinase acting on a compound called aliin. Allicin is responsible for the burning sensation you experience if you eat garlic raw.
However, allicin is not stable and generates numerous smelly sulphur-containing compounds, hence its pungent smell. After ingestion, allicin and its breakdown products enter the bloodstream through the digestive system and are free to leave again in exhaled air or through perspiration. This is the first effect of garlic.
In addition, the chemicals in garlic change the metabolism of the body and trigger degradation of fatty acids and cholesteral in the blood: this generates allyl methyl sulphide, dimethyl sulphide and acetone. These are all volatile and can be exhaled from the lungs, giving you garlic breath the morning after a meal. It is not necessary to eat garlic to have garlic breath because allicin can be absorbed through the skin. Just rubbing garlic on the surface of the body can be enough to generate smelly breath because it exits the body via the lungs.