CARNAGE AS FACEBOOK MOVES EVERYTHING SLIGHTLY TO THE LEFT

HOSPITALS were struggling to cope last night as rival Facebook gangs fought running battles across a dozen British towns and cities.

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Bridport: A hellish symphony of fire and bloodViolence erupted as Facebook ignored the warnings of more than one million protesters and moved everything very slightly to the left.

Martin Bishop, commander of the Lyme Regis brigade of Keep the Old Facebook, said: "I was waiting for my page to load, looking directly at the centre of the screen, when suddenly my life became a storm-tossed fishing boat in a sea of confusion.

"Everything that mattered to me was now three centimetres to the left of where it normally is. And a little bit wider. And the blue-grey panel on the right was a bit wider too."

He added: "Death and those who support the new design are now friends."

Roy Hobbs, from Dorchester, who makes weapons for We Like the New Facebook, said: "This is a motorcycle chain with dozens of tiny screws welded on to it. You have to wear gloves when you're swinging it in someone's face."

He added: "That blue-grey panel was always far too narrow. Don't you think?"

The violence peaked at around 5pm when the Bridport faction of What About Moving Everything Slightly to the Right? burned down the local church and pushed a van full of policeman into a quarry.

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg has given the protesters until noon to surrender before he starts machine gunning them from a helicopter.

News brought to you from the Daily Mash.


LOHAN URGED TO FIND SEXIER GIRLFRIEND


Lindsay Lohan needs to find herself a much hotter girlfriend - and quickly, men said last night.


Lohan's gayness was initially greeted with enthusiasm by men eager for masturbatory fantasies involving the Freaky Friday actress entwined with another stunning lesbian.

However, the early euphoria turned to anger when it was revealed Lohan's lover was Samantha Ronson, a disc jokey and Britain's leading David Miliband lookalike


Wayne Hayes, a masturbator, said: "It's a log cabin, lit only by firelight, Lohan is lying naked on a fur rug, she's fondling her own breasts, This is good. This is really good.

"The door opens, it's her girlfriend - bonus! She steps out of the shadows, she's naked too, but oh no! It's the foreign secretary, with a strap-on!"

He added: "Well, that's ruined it. I'm going to have to start all over again with Cameron Diaz, Lucy Lui and a vibrating egg."

Charlie Reeves, 14, from Didcot, said Lohan had a responsibility to young fans who had followed her breasts since Herbie: Fully Loaded.

He said: "When she jumped up and down I got a weird feeling in my underpants and my dad made a funny noise."

He added: "What's wrong with a naked splash fight with Charlize Theron? Or smearing Nutella over Scarlett Johansson's quivering buttocks and then having a shower together? Nutella only comes off if you use lots of soap, apparently."

Top five foreign secretaries you least want invading your sexual fantasies
(Last year's position in brackets)

1: Margaret Beckett (1)
2: Malcolm Rifkind (2)
3: David Miliband (-)
4: Lord Carrington (8)
5: Douglas Hurd (3)