The below item was doing the rounds of the world's emails in early 2008. It appeared first in a college alumni newsletter in the US and describes an individual's detailed account of his experience of self-tasering.
Last weekend I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket-sized taser for sale as a means of self-defence. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short-lived, with no long-term adverse effects on your potential assailant.
Long story short, I purchased the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing - I was disappointed. I quickly learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time I'd get a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
So, I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that dangerous with only two AAA batteries in it. There I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, instructions in one hand, and taser in the other, thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a real target.
The directions said that a 1-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a 2-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a 3-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than 3 seconds would be wasting the batteries. And all the while I'm looking at this little device loaded with two tiny AAA batteries and thinking to myself: 'No possible way'.
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there with my cat looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'Don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a 1-second burst from such a tiny little thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to try just for the heck of it. I gingerly touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and....
I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in my chair, then body-slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. It hurt like hell.
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, because time was relative at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed a ton. I'm still looking for my testicles. Do not try this at home....
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About Me
- marky
- I live in a Pigeon loft in Glasgow. I fight dogs for food and mug cows for drink. Monkeys live in my beard. I have lived for centuries under my bed and only came out when they invented peanut m&m's. I understand everything.
5 comments:
I have a friend from college who became a cop and then worked as an advisor to the Salt Lake City mayor's office. The mayor was trying to decide if police should be allowed to carry tasers and so my friend got to be the test subject on the effectiveness of tasers vs. pepper spray
The idea demonstrated in the videos is how quickly does each method actually subdue an attacker. Notice he continues to beat on the cop for a while before submitting to the pepper spray.
Taser all the way for me I think. Pepper spray looks nasty, but the taser does the job instantly. Given the choice, I think I’ll remain a lawful member of society. Scary stuff. The UK Bobby's now carry tasers and pepper spray. I am kind of glad they still don't carry guns, but it's just a matter of time one would think.
Given the choice, I think I’ll remain a lawful member of society.
I hear ya there, Marky! I wonder sometimes about the intelligence of some criminals and even some non-criminals. We had a guy get tasered here because the cop was telling him to get back in his car and instead he kept walking towards the officer asking "what did I do?" bzzzzt! Thanks for playing.
I don't know how things are over there, but here, I'm glad the cops carry guns because most of the gang-bangers here do. A neighborhood friend is a cop and he's had a few incidents where the only thing that kept him from getting shot, was having his hand resting on his gun. It probably is only a matter of time for the Bobbies.
Gun laws in Britain are strict. Not a lot of idiots get their hands on weapons. Thank God. If they could get guns, I would arm myself for sure. I can just imagine a typical Saturday night here in he East end of Glasgow if the Neds had guns. It’s bad enough with Knives. We are officially the stab capital of Europe. Sweet title Glasgow. Shiny.
American families don’t have it easy. If you want to protect your families, your Police need to be armed, as do you. The problem it would seem, is that the guns are already out there in the hands of the gang bangers and other assorted scumbags. It would take a mammoth effort to get all the guns off the streets. It’s only going to get worse in my opinion. The current downturn in the financial state of the America/Britain/Iceland will push those with low morals into more desperate ways to preserve their life. It is an archetypical reaction to a downturn in public spending. Crime and poverty sleep on the same shit pile.
Talking of crimes, today our Government gave £50 Billion of taxpayers money to the banks…. I hope I don’t need a loan. Somehow paying 7% APR on my own money kinda sticks in my gullet.
I edited this comment because recently I've been spelling their as there! I have promised myself not to write so fast and to proof read. Grammar Nazi, I thank you.
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